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MMM: Welcome back Zelda fans! This little column may still not be as big as the Sonic Column, but it has started growing with the addition of our two new submitters Jet and Blue Lucied! Today we start off with some submissions from them, but before we do that; DISCLAIMER: Me? Own Zelda? What in the name of the Holy Spork of Gorging are you talking about? MMM: Here we go! First submission is from: Blue Lucied
Ganondorf: *Tosses Blue Lucied a badge with “The Ganondorf Club” on it* Well that sword was a prop that the Nintendo people gave me to look cooler. I didn’t like it very much, since I already look cool! Link: *Sighs, slaps forehead* Ganondorf: I think Nabooru is teh sezzy character of all! Nabooru: Flattering….but not endearing pal. Ganondorf: Well you see, I knew that Zelda had the Triforce of Wisdom, and she might have been hiding somewhere in the temple or the town. I didn’t want to blow her up and lose that second piece of the Triforce. Saria: You never know just what us Kokiri are going to do next…….*Cough*conquer*Cough* Rauru: I do have hands, and yes they are concealed by sleeves, but my arms are also extremely short…and flabby…like the rest of me… Darunia: Hmmm…I
know
could lift
at least three and a half tons when I was in my prime, but I’m not so
sure now.
And what Goron’s favorite rock isn’t the Top Sirloin Rock fresh from
Dodongo’s
Cavern? Link: Generally, a cucco’s weakness is a deep fat fryer. But in the games I never had one so I had to avoid them in order to keep safe. Ganondorf: Hehe…My dark energy spheres could fry a cucco just as easily as a grease fryer. I wouldn’t even need Link’s help to kill one
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Hi!
To Link: You place or mine?
To Impa: Well ma'am I've taken ju-jitsu for about 3
years before I stopped training....
And why are your eyes red? Is it because when zelda
was a wee lass you had to watch every day and night
witha bit of rest so your eyes became permanently
bloodshot?
To Ganondorf: How much have you aged between OoT and
WW? Not to be rude, just your transformation as a
charcter intrigues me.
To Nabooru: Do you mummify dead gerudo? Because you are
a desert culture, and there was once in a long time
ago a very bad animated LoZ series, in which the
animated repugnant link toad kissed a girl who was in
reality dead (she was an evil being sent by a ganon
then)and she was called a gibdos. (gibdos being hte
mummified monsters in Zelda games)
To Ganondorf: Sorry, I just can't help myself, who
were those pirates that resided in the forsaken
fortress in WW before you killd em? Were they remnants
of the Gerudo?
And to MMM: Be damn proud of your zelda nerdness! I'm
one too, it only makes me happy to see someone be as
ibsessive about this game as I am
Your loyal goth shiekah
Jet
Link: Hehehe…I’m not sure you’d like to go back to the Kokiri forest…
Malon: *Pulls Link’s ear*
Link: Owowowowowowow! Stop that!
Impa: Well, that is a good background. I suppose I could train you, but you should know what a commitment it is. You’ll have to abide by all Sheikah training guidelines, arriving at the proving grounds at 3 AM every morning of every day until I see fit. And also, I have natural red eyes.
Ganondorf: Well, I’m not sure how long it was between those two time periods, but I know it was at least 100 years minimum.
Nabooru: Older generations of Gerudo did mummify their dead Elders, but we’ve stopped doing that awhile ago.
MMM: Quick question there Jet, are you talking about the old Zelda Cartoon Series? If so, which episode?
Ganondorf: No no no, the Gerudos died out after the ocean covered Hyrule. Those pirates were friends of Tetra’s I believe.
MMM:
Yah! Another nerd to associate with! *High
fives Jet* And thanks for that submission too! Here's the next
submission from:
To Ganondorf:
Why did you not like the big sword? You looked
so frickin awsome with it! It beats the Master Sword by a long shot.
Out of all your minions, which ones
are your favorite?
Why did you change from the armour to
the mage robes?
To the Female Sages: Are you guys
sure there is no way you
can make Link (and Malon) to horribly suffer? Cause I know a really
good
assassin.... Cause you girls don't deserve to be treated like
that!
To Saria: Are you mad about the whole
Korok thing in
WindWaker?
To Ganondorf: Can you tell me how you
got out of the Sacred
Realm? I swear I'll tell no one!
Ganondorf: Yes the big
sword rocked, but there was one problem with it. Link's swordplay
skillz really outdo mine, and if I were to go into a swordfight with
him, he'd slice n' dice me. If I am to use my black energy however,
Link has a much worse chance of blocking those! Bwahahaha! My favorite
minion had to be the Iron Knuckle. Look at that big frickin' Axe! And I
figured if I'm going to go more into the magic field, why continue
burdening myself with heavy armor?
Zelda: How dare you
suggest we hurt Link?!
Ruto: Even if he
marries Malon, we can still steal him away for a night of lovin'!
Malon: *Holding Link
in one arm and a tommy gun in the other* If ANY of you touch him I'll
riddle you all!
MMM: Easy Malon, just
put the gun down....*Jabs Malon with tranquilizer dart*
Malon: Hey! I
think....that.....*Drops gun andf Link, and falls limp in chair*
Link: GAHH!!! *Gasps
for breath* Sweet oxygen! *Pants hard*
Saria: I myself
refuse to acknowedge tWW as a true Zelda game. It is so stupid,
repetitive, and overall depressing that I choose to ignore it.
MMM: I guess that was
a yes...
Ganondorf: My little
secret that is, I choose not to say it out loud....*Hands Blue Lucied a
bottle with a slip of paper in it* I'm only sharing this with you
because you are the first person here to actually show the potential to
become one of my minions....hehehe....
MMM: Ok cool. Thanks
for the submission Blue Lucied! Here's the next one from:
*Picks
Malon's tommy gun off the floor" AH-HAH! I
finaly found one of these!
they fetch a pritty penny at the antiques road show you know.... but
thats
not the point, MMM, as soon as I run out of here with the antique
firearm
stowed in my broken back-pack, I want you to give this to Malon *hand
MMM a
flask labled "Wake Up Juice"* Don't ask what's in it... anyway, here's
her
question:
Why do you stay with link? there are plenty of other guys out there who
want
you *hint hint* and besides, I can think of another video game
character
you'd get along with very well, his name is Jack, he also lives on a
farm
and has a strong love for cows, I think you two would get along nicely,
in
fact, MMM, bring him in here sometime for a cameo so they can get to
know
each other a bit.... now, on to the other question....
Zelda: Do you ever get tired of that freakin' song? you know the one,
that
"song of the royal family" thing, it sounds all nice and fluffy and
good for
about a minute, then it just makes me want to kill someone.... is that
the
point?
MMM: I do believe Malon is still awake, just heavily sedated....
Malon: *Drools and
mumbles something about cows*
MMM: ...But it
wouldn't hurt I suppose. *Administers the potion*
Malon: *After waking
up, continues death hugging Link* Link is the only one for me! The
temptation of a fellow cow lover will not break my steel will! Not even
if you sent in a screenshot from the game he's in!
Link: Gaaak!!!! *Neck
pops dangerously, head begins to come off*
MMM: *Pries Link out
and puts him behind a protective energy barrier*
Link:
Thanks....*Gasp*....I thought I was going to end up a "Headless Hero".
MMM: No problem man, I
can't be letting any of the characters get killed off after all.
Zelda: That song is so
soft and sweet, I've sang it all my life!
MMM: You know, it is
the lullaby she's heard all her life, so it's become familiar and
comfortable to her. That doesn't say anything about the rest of us.
It's almost as annoying as Epona's Song.
Malon: Give me back my
Link or I will start singing!
MMM: *Tranquilizes
Malon again.*
Link: That was quite a
Roc and a Hard place, good thinking MMM!
MMM: Tranquilizer
darts, never leave home without them! Thanks for that submission Gimpy!
Here's the next one from:
To Ganon: *reads the paper* Its so simple!
Wait, its
uneedlessly complicated...
Anyways.... what does it take to be
one of your...Minions? *grin*
To Saria: I know how sad you are
about the Korok thing....
but Fado's there... but he is..
*cries* Poor Fado!!!
To Ruto: Are you mad about the Rito
thing?
To Female sages: Okay.... you dont
want Link killed... What
about Malon? *coughhitmancough*
To Ganon: But you still have l33t
sword skills! Have you not
seen the movie done by nintendo of you and Link fighting?
Ganondorf: The qualifications of an evil minion
are simple, you must first pledge allegiance to me, and then swing a
sack of salamies at sunset in a cornfield!
MMM: Wha?
Ganondorf: It's the only fool proof sincerity
spell proven to always work!
MMM: ........I see.......
Saria: *Grumbles incoherently*
Ruto: Oh it's no problem! Just because we were
replaced by the Rito's on land doesn't mean we still don't exist
somewhere in the Great Sea!
Zelda: *Considers Lucied's offer* How much would
it cost?
Ganondorf: Well my future minion, it is standard
villain code to take advantage of the method of destruction most likely
to prove sucessful, even if it means cowardice or sacrificing one's
minions. *Evil grin*
MMM: I suggest you rethink your course of action
before going any farther down that road Lucied. Thanks for the
submission though! Here's the next one from:
[Brygi walks in. His robes are torn, and
he's carrying
a big bazooka]
*pant* *pant* Phew! Sorry I took so long, guys. I found the
item I
was looking for some time ago, but I got held up by a bunch of
Re-dead.
*Glares at Ganondorf* So that's what you meant when you said, "Expect
me
to come by your house with a bazooka," eh Gannondorf? Hmph!
Letting your minions do all the work for you. You lazy...if I
wasn't
allowed to be violent in my submissions I'd--
Actually...
Triple M: Here, you can have this. *gives MMM the bazooka* Sorry, but I
didn't
bring any fudge with me, so you'll have to get that on your own.
Female sages: Don't mean to destroy your fantasies, but if you can't be
in
relationships with Link, I don't think you can be in the same bed with
him
(sorry about being blunt, but that's how I am).
Zelda: In reality, I think you and Link are supposed to be together,
since the
brave hero always gets the beautiful princess. Besides that,
you're bound
by the Triforce...then again, so is Ganondorf. *goes into deep thought
for a
moment, then shudders*
Link: What's your all-time favorite weapon? This includes arrows,
bombs,
swords, magic, the hook-shot, and whatever else you used.
Now then, if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do. *teleports off the
set*
Webmaster: AJ
(Note: All of the answers from the characters in these columns are the author's impressions. This site is for humor purposes only. All the column contents are purely fictional. Secondly, the author does not claim ownership of any of the characters in these columns. The said characters are the property of their respective owners.)